In summer months preheat fan oven to 50 degrees Celsius indefinitely (don’t worry gas is free). Take a country (the size of Spain) that is often forgotten about on the BBC World Weather report. Sift in 90% sand and mix in a population of 5 million. Take a knife and carve out canals through the desert and allow water from the Aral Sea to flow south. Use the water to irrigate a large expanse of cotton fields. Add in a large dollop of Russian influence. With proceeds from oil and gas take all the marble you can find and start constructing palaces and grand hotels in the capital (Ashgabat) furiously. Don’t forget to bug hotels, restaurants and public places. At this point feel free to toss in a little confusion by changing the street names to four digit numbers and not erecting any road signs (anywhere). Lightly baste the potted roads with a smattering of tar. Finally, decorate with a heaped measure of flamboyance and place gold statues of the late Niyazov (Turkmenbashi) any where you feel appropriate. When you have finished sit back and enjoy the warm hospitality from the proud and elegant Turkmen people who are generous and kind.
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